uwapika

May 16, 2023 uwapika

me: it’s weird to me to think about the fact that liking girls sometimes was the cause of so much pain and suffering in my life when now it seems like all i do is think about men. gross.

alana bloom from nbc hannibal (my therapist in my mind): why do you say it’s gross? a lot of people would say attraction to men is ordinary.

me: yeah, it’s boring. unless you do it in a gay way. then it’s cool. and most people would not say that i do it in a gay way.

alana bloom: would you say that you do?

me: i don’t think most people would get the way i see my own relationship to gender and sexuality if i tried to explain it to them. that’s honestly the best proof that i have of being trans, because only other trans people actually get what i’m going for. most people would say i’m a woman who likes women and men, which isn’t really accurate.

alana bloom: well, who cares about “most people?” if your understanding of your gender and sexuality is different than theirs, it seems like you’re able to accept that. and sexuality isn’t set in stone, either. i mean, i used to like men.

me: yeah, but then you got better.

alana bloom: mmm, i got severe spinal trauma. but back to the question. what’s with that description, that thinking about men feels gross to you?

me: i mean—not really gross. i do like men, like, unironically. it’s just not very cool.

alana bloom: so it’s cooler to like women than men?

me: yeah! i mean, look at you! and literally every lesbian on the planet! it’s SO much cooler than liking men.

alana bloom: thank you, on behalf of lesbians. it’s nice to be cool.

me: you’re welcome.

alana bloom: but if liking men is uncool, what does that matter to you? is it important that you’re cool?

me: well…it’s more that being cool just isn’t realistic for me. like, i’m scripting out an imagined therapy session between me and a fictional character right now.

alana bloom: fair point.

me: and that’s true for the men i think about as well.

alana bloom: they aren’t cool?

me: no, well—no. they aren’t cool. i like them even more when they’re a little pathetic. i think that’s my type. but they’re also not real, most of the time.

alana bloom: like me.

me: yeah.

alana bloom: so it’s a fantasized version of men occupying your thoughts. imagined men.

me: yeah. imaginary pathetic men.

alana bloom: is it interfering with your life?

me: no. i’m not really trying to meet actual men right now, anyway. or any person, of whatever gender.

alana bloom: then i think you’re fine.

me: no, i mean, like…i know it’s fine; that’s not really a worry for me. i just wonder what it means. you know, in my head, trying to analyze patterns on my own.

alana bloom: before you pretend to sit down with me, you mean?

me: yeah. and i have a theory.

alana bloom: oh wow. you leaned forward and looked really excited when you said that.

me: because i love theories. and i have one. well, maybe two, actually.

alana bloom: pen’s in hand. shoot.

me: i think the reason i think about men all the time is either a personal gender/sexuality thing OR a patriarchy/freudian thing. or maybe both at once, a little bit. so for gender/sexuality reasons, i think i want to be with a man in a gender-affirming way where it’s a little gay in any direction since i think i’m nonbinary, and since in my crush/dating history i’ve only ever dated girls or future girls, i kinda want the other side of the spectrum to feel like a Real bisexual. that would explain why i latch onto that type of relationship in fiction so much, because i want it for me. and for patriarchy/freudian reasons, i think i’m looking for male validation because everyone kind of is on some level, and i’m anthropologically fascinated by men and want to understand them. and i think on some level i want to process a deep dark tangle of weird-ass emotions about my father through a fulfilling romantic relationship with a guy who is like him but also completely not like him. you know?

alana bloom: …sorry, one second…

me: oh no, yeah, sorry. that was a lot of words really fast.

alana bloom: don’t worry about it. ok, got it. so…we can dissect these if you want, but i have a question first. did forming these theories settle the question for you?

me: kind of? they’re only theories. but having a guess is better than having no clue, i think.

alana bloom: and was this helpful for you?

me: i guess. it’s something i do automatically.

alana bloom: it’s rational to want a theory. but you may also be rationalizing.

me: …yeah, i know. it’s not great but i can’t turn it off.

alana bloom: part of therapy is figuring out what may be behind our decisions and habits, and you’re good at that. you do that part of my job for me. but the other part is working to change our consciousness and accomplish a goal. so what do you want to accomplish?

me: i guess…i want to stop feeling shame whenever i like someone. real people, not…well, maybe the made-up ones, too, honestly. i want to be able to actually have a sexual relationship at some point.

alana bloom: with men specifically, or…?

me: anyone. it’s always embarrassing and weird and scary when i get close and i wish it wasn’t.

alana bloom: you know, there may be something we should revisit here, actually—remember what you said a few minutes ago? at the start of this session transcript?

me: not exactly. i’d need to scroll up to see it.

alana bloom: you said that liking girls caused you pain and suffering. you were referring to discovering your sexuality and coming out, right?

me: yeah. i guess that was like…a seriously traumatic thing for me, when that didn’t go well.

alana bloom: do you think it could be a sunk cost feeling? like, “i felt so hurt after being told that i didn’t really know that i liked girls, and now that pain was for nothing?”

me: …i know that, like, the spiral of effects after that day wound up being about way more than just that. there are a lot of things that my parents would never understand about me and the way i see the world, and that gap gets bigger all the time. but since that was the one thing i thought i would never tell them, then yeah. i guess it feels like it was all for nothing if i spend too much thought on men, or something.

alana bloom: see, the thing is that your feelings—your internal experience—have nothing to do with how your parents act. assuming responsibility for their bad reception of your sexuality puts you in charge of controlling them.

me: …ooh, you…therapist

alana bloom: you can’t always be ahead of the game.

me: i’m still writing your dialogue, dr. bloom. this might not count as you outsmarting me.

alana bloom: but you surprised yourself, right? whether i’m real or not, therapy is about helping to lead you to your own realizations. you may have wound up in a similar place with a session in real life.

me: i should still maybe talk to a real person, at some point…no offense.

alana bloom: none taken. i’m a plot device.

me: sorry. it still seems like that’s a bad thing to make someone into.

alana bloom: why me? if you could indulge my curiosity a little.

me: i always liked you in the show. and it seems like out of all of the psychiatrists, you would be the one most likely to actually do the right thing and help someone safely.

alana bloom: thank you. i should tell you, though—psychiatrists prescribe medication and don’t generally run talk therapy sessions like this.

me: oh. shit. do, uh…do you think i need medication?

alana bloom: probably not.

me: sorry. i wasted your time.

alana bloom: i’m not real. you just said you were writing my dialogue.

me: …right…

alana bloom: should we wrap up here?

me: probably. i’m pretty sure the reason i wrote this was because my friend angel made a joke about telling her therapist hannibal about haikyuu.

alana bloom: wow.

May 16, 2023 ubashaaa

ubashaaa:

all blonde men deserve to be put through an evil maze against an evil spectre of themselves who sows deep worries and thoughts about themselves

May 16, 2023 papayajuan2019

papayajuan2019:

sometimes a kiss feels like closing a suture

May 16, 2023 berserklrina
May 16, 2023 scorpiontattoo

scorpiontattoo:

on indeed dot com like do you have jobs where i wont want to kill myself

May 15, 2023 jame7t

omgislena-blog:

jame7t:

I see you’re trapped in my gay and stupid maze again

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May 15, 2023 carzinization

carzinization:

dont cry ok? there is the sun and there isthe ocean and there are butch gay women

May 15, 2023 andromerot

andromerot:

what is art about? blood. what is love about? blood. what is hate about? blood. what is sex about? blood. what is history about? blood. what am i about? blood. what is blood about? idk ask a biologist i guess

May 15, 2023 thcgummy
May 15, 2023 moon111111
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